I always worry about talking about ‘the REAL life’ stuff on my blog incase people just don’t want to hear it, but here goes.
For the longest time I have suffered from depression. It started in my late teens leading to full blown panic attacks on a daily basis from the age of 17. My moods swing up and down more than the British weather and we all know how erratic that can be.
Unfortunately what you see of me on social media in videos and on posts isn’t always a true reflection to how I am feeling. But you seem such a happy positive person? I am but sometimes I just want to cry and recoil into a corner. You see I like to think I’m a nice, helpful and warm person, I love nothing more than boosting confidence in others and sharing their joys and giving advice to help them with any problems they may have. However the same can’t be said for myself. To me I am hurtful, I say the meanest things to myself in my head. I have a horrible mind that deludes me into believing people are thinking these horrible things of me too.
You see when I retired from the fitness industry a few years ago, I quickly started gaining weight and my confidence in myself stated to dwindle even quicker. I then developed a severe alcohol addiction to try and ease my pain and suffering, that nobody but me was causing. But the more I drank the more the problem grew. It got to the point where I wouldn’t take a trip to my local supermarket because of fear someone who knew me might see me and judge me. I would bail out on my friends and loved ones gatherings and socials because I was terrified somebody would take a picture of me and it would end up all over social media. This was not a healthy way to live and it’s something I am still battling through. You see if any of my friends, family or lovely vitual friends were suffering like this I would go above and beyond to help them feel better letting them know they are not alone and I’ve got their back. Yet depression makes you feel so ALONE! I’ve spoken briefly in another post about my ‘Dark Fog’ moments as I like to call them. It’s not easy battling through depression and I’m very lucky to have a wonderful supportive family, friends and a great husband, but the one thing that really lifts me out of my dark fog is gardening and connecting with nature.
You see the bad thoughts disappear when I’m working the muck, and my spirit rises. I have new fresh clean oxygen pumping in my bloodstream that wipes away all the toxic built up free radicals. And nothing beats that proud accomplishing feeling of growing something beautiful or tasty, see it evolve from seed to bloom to harvest. I did that, wow!
I started blogging mid last year to help me get through my depression and toxic thoughts and submerged myself into the online gardening community, and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done. This community of people of all different ages, backgrounds and cultures is so incredibly friendly and supportive and help you feel a true sense of self belief and empower you on your growing journey, which brings about confidence and self esteem. It helps me to aspire to help others grow and garden hoping to bring confidence to them too. But it also helps me feel better about myself. Since blogging I have really started to feel so much better about myself and my environment and I’ve even managed to control my alcohol addiction. I do still drink but not daily and in excess and can now even say NO to a drink, how cool is that! I have even started making video blogs on my Facebook page too, this was something I was terrified about doing ( the evil thoughts again) but I manned up and just did it and you know what I loved it, and that’s down to you guys my lovely followers supporting and encouraging me and giving me lots of positive feedback. I guess I will always get anxious about my blogs and now vlogs too, but with you lovely lot and nature on my side I will continue to grow up towards the light!
So I’m saying BOLLOCKS to you depression, you can take your black fog and your little evil whispers and do one! You’re not welcome here!
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